I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
