I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
