and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
