im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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