god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
whose parrot is this?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
