i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
