Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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