I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
