Whatcha textin bout Willis?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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