the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
