I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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