My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
