no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
my poor anus
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
