yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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