Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
