I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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