wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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