Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
