i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
