if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
