dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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