You're my little dorito
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
