I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
