I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
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Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
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today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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