Betty ford says i'm here all night
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
