Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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