This girl is more easily done than said...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
