I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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