just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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