Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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