i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you never un-have a 4some
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
