maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
