is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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