just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
