I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
