I can text with my tongue
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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