got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
