Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
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