and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
