My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
