How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
