did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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