i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
