tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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