Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
