woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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