Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
