Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
