he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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