I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
