why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
