When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
