WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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