I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
