sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
