Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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