apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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