Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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