It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
